Tis the season to Kvetch and whine folks, O'Rielly was the first of the modern Orthodox Irreligious pundits to say "fuck christmas" and mark the One True Holiday of Festivus with an endless tirade of whining and whinging - though I some how think Father Costanza (who travels all around the world on festivus eve, bringing gifts of disappointment and disfunction to all small children and their families) didn't have a rehashing of the nazi's (And even earlier facists') ye olden "secular boogieman" propaganda in mind when he began our glorious tradition - and other such Orthodox Irreligious have since taken up the charge and embraced Our glorious tradition, and like most orthodox irreligious have even followed the old ways and performed the ancient rite of Making The Huge Song And The Huge Dance About Getting Drunk Down At The Local Bar (which may or may not include the lesser Making of The Empty Threats followed by The Slamming of The Doors, and their related sub-ritual of Having Forgotten The Coat and I Meant What I Said You Ingrates) after which such orthodox types come home stinking of booze and tanked up to their eyeballs before engaging in the Airing of Grievences.
Kyso at Punkass has two sterling examples of what the more orthodox irreligious get upto come festivus time, and while my fat promiscuous mother may roll in her grave at my continued refusal to engage in the ancient practices of Shaming The Sluts and Bemoaning The Downfall of Western Civilisation, I have had a few brewskies before I start as a capitulation to yje ancient Irreligious ways.
So without further adeiu let the airing of grievences begin!
Okay! I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it.
First off, America, what is your problem huh? We, the people, had such high hopes for you and look what you've done with yourself! The arms sales! The class divide! The continued hatred of women and non-white people including hispanic peoples! And exactly how hard is it to get a system of universal healtcare in place and to make the schools work? You are a huge disappointment to everyone, bow your head in shame.
FireDogLake! What the hell is your problem huh? We, the people, had no real hopes for you a result of you being run by a crazy lady who is personally responsible for Quentin "freak jawed plagarising hack of immense suckitude" Tarantino, and still you disappoint us! In the year of the blackface, you somehow managed to lift yourself head and shoulders above the milling crowd of would-be-wits to produce more racist, colonising, misogynistic, insulting, patronising, alienating bullshit than all the other half witted pwogwessive bleached assholes combined.
I'd ask you all over there to bow your head in shame but you'll probably just cause a crick in your small intestine if you tried.
The Nation State of Israel! THE HELL!?
You do realise that by the standard of "exceptional persecution" that enables your inexplicable word lawyering religious zionists (what rock did they spring up from under?) to allocate a slice of the middle eastern imperialistic pie for themselves, you have pretty much just justified Lebanon and Palestine several countries all their own, with no benefits for yourself whatsoever. Oh but that'd only apply if you were bothering with such trifles as logical consistency or introspective contemplation. Come the fuck off with the holocaust waving already, no past oppression justifies lebensraum and ghettos, nor does it justify mass reprisals against civilian populations. no, you don't even get to pull off the occasional analogue to the invasion of poland nor do you get to start erecting barbed wire edged fences manned by psychotic brainwashed "patriotic" armed soldiers around your ghettos.
And what took you so long to start moving towards relaxing the marriage laws huh?
Bow your head in shame The Nation State of Israel!
Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, current president of Iran! I know what you're trying to do and I for one think it's disgusting.
Yes, that's right, it's all too painfully clear, the obession with nuclear weapons, the love of international arms sales to crazy islamist nutjob terrorists, the propensity for religious craziness, the love for making hollow threats to wipe your international rivals off the face of the earth on international TV, yes yes yes but here's the thing: You're not Ronald Reagan.
You don't have the hair for it, nor do you have the wooden personality and impressive level of incompetence that kept him from focusing on any single issue for long enough to make too huge a fuck up out of it all.
Alzheimer's is not a toy young man, stop it at once and bow your head in shame!
People who go on about how "eloquent" and "well spoken" Barack Obama is! I know it's the year of the blackface and all, but still, shut the fuck up already.
Goths! Get a fucking tan already! The same goes for mimes, clowns and all european aristocrats, in this age of sun beds and easy-on skin cancers you have no excuse for being so pale!
People who talk about the "judeo-christian" tradition! It's a fucking Greco-Roman tradition you stupid fucking goys, on account of the modern face of christianity being just a rather pathetic offshoot of all those nasty little nationalistic state religions that the various greek and roman states and empires, and I'm talking historically as well as theologically and stylistically here! damn you for your wilful jingoistic puritan style stupidity! Bow your head in shame all of you!
Emmanuele Kant! I find your universal maxim inane and vacuous! Also, those dodgy soft core porn movies you kept starring in back in the day were equally unimpressive and bland!
The State of New Jersey! I don't remember anyone asked you to join the union either during the war of independence or after the civil war. No one likes you, go away and stop bothering us. I'd suggest you become an impoverished south american country, you've got the nazis for it.
The City of Los Angeles! The ocean is rightfuckingthere! All you've gotta do is slide into it! Come on, it's easy! Go on! Slide already!
Conservatives who are all about shooting progressives and liberals! You shoot MLK, but Markos Moulitsa is still a-fucking-live!? What, do you want me to hold your hand while you do it? Get on with it already you yellow bellied cowards!
Houston Texas! Stop bogarting the world's supply of bengal tigers!
The Fine Officers of the NYPD! Bite me!
Obviously enough of you didn't get killed in the towers, because you've still got alot to learn about not murdering people, and if you didn't get the message from the deaths of 3000 people then I guess your next sensitivity training course had better culminate with eahc and everyone of you and your immediate families getting shot 50 fucking times, because your ability to actually concieve of anyone who isn't in a uniform being human is obviously somewhat lacking.
Oh sorry, it's only black people who you don't consider to be human, that's different of course.
And all those genital orb-less cowards in the NYPD who sit around on their fat asses munching doughnuts and start talking about how "larry" and "brad", or whoever it was, are such nice guys (You're talking about when they're not actually bathing in the blood of the innocent for shits and giggles I presume) instead of actually taking a damn good look at their fellow officers and making damn sure that they're not hideous blood thirsty racist monsters who have this nasty little tic that seems include emptying whole clips into people who have the gall to going around and be black in a built up area every year or so. Though I guess it's sort of a good thing that the people they shoot at aren't armed, otherwise that whole pesky unloading whole clips wildly into the general vacinity of their targets might bite them in the ass. Hey guys, why don't you change that old motto of "to protect and to serve" into something more accurate hmm? How about; "the NYPD: Where evolution goes horribly wrong, with a gun!"
The People's Republic of Vietnam! What's you problem with transgender people getting gender reassignments? You can do better!
And all you people who think the holiday season is the "season for charity and good will", no no NO! the season for charity and good will begins on january 1st and continues until december 31st!
Hang your heads in shame all of you!
Remember folks, Festivus ain't over 'til I'm pinned to the floor, which usually happens during the new years celebrations if I have any say in the matter, so I may add more yet.