3/12/2007

Dear next person to make a spartan-centric movie

Please include:

- More hot man-on-man action (I'm not gonna see the proper movie on account of my head will explode if there's not the little wall that was actually used at thermopylie, but the porn spoof version should be... interesting).

- At least some passing reference to why the spartans had such a well trained army (Helot uprisings? Massive slavery from the conquest of neighbouring states? Just some mention that the spartans were complete barbaric nutjobs of the first kind, nay references would be good)

Please do not include:

- Vile evil faceless mass of evil woggy brown folk as the vile evil Iranians Persians who are even more suicidal (some how) than the 300 themselves.

- Matrix-stylee slow mo action scenes, it's been done, by john woo, back in the 80's, in hong kong, it's going to be this generation of big budget films' cliche, which future film critics will look back on and laugh at, like dodgy psychedlia from the 60's, but even lamer.
As they should.

I mean COME ON! A several thousand year old bit of white supremicist masturbatory propaganda, and it's been converted into a cliche ridden hack & slash action movie, a story that explicitly had the spartans precede every battle with copious hair grooming and mutual man-on-man oiling action, and it's been parsed into the "fight in the shade" comment and some pretty CGI beheadings.

COME ON! It's the freaking Iranian empire invading a neighbouring (nominally) white country for conquest and booty, there's comparatives! Metaphors! Allegories! Hot man-on-man oiling and grooming scenes! All sort of subtle and not subtle things you could do with the thermopylea epic.

BUT NO! Fucking hack and fucking slash and fucking slow-mos!

Fuck them all, the fucking fuckers.

11 comments:

Renegade Evolution said...

I love hack and slash, and thus, cannot wait to see it...I am also a huge fan of frank miller.

R. Mildred said...

I caught a bit of the previews for it and... well, one of the characters is going on about "striking a blow for freedom" - and I get the impression any sort of historical accuracy is not included in the ticket price.

And frank miller is basically tarantino, but he's more of an insufferable reheated cliche monkey, the main question will be how many flat 2 dimensional Hookers With A Heart of Gold™ will get to say "with your shields or on them", possibly a whole chorus line of them, led by a gospel singing magical negro who blesses leonidas with an amazing aura of heterosexuality or something (everything has a magical negro in it at the moment).

And Oh my, I can just see miller beating the aurdience over the head with how "empowered" spartan women were. Sure they were considered walking wombs by spartan culture, and they were "empowered" in teh sense that they got to oversee the managing of their family estates and all the slaves that worked on it while their husbands were off being serially buggered to produce espiri d'corps, so "empowered" in that way ultra conservative upperclass stay at home womb-wives are "empowered", in so far as they aren't shy about helping smack down any other lower class woman who dares step out of line, but the whole first couple of acts are going to be teh painting of the powerful warrior women of sparta, oh see how they flash their thighs! *rolls eyes*.

I really hate that frank miller seems to delight in forcing his femdom fetishes on his audiences, except it's that laissez faire MRA style patriarchal version of femdom where the guy is "dominated" via the awesome and incredibly vague power of Teh Sex, which women conspire to control, a means of control that men are positively helpless against, god bless their little sub-human socks.

Gah! I wish you hadn't mentioned The Miller now, that guy's like thrush, teh irritation is immense and unrelenting.

Renegade Evolution said...

so...don't go see the movie then?

R. Mildred said...

so...don't go see the movie then?

HAH! That's exactly what miller wants me to do, therefore I shall do the exact opposite!

To the crazymobile! *dadadadada!*

Renegade Evolution said...

i'll get the popcorn...

Veronica said...

I fucking hate Frank Miller.

However... I love all movies about ancient Greeks.

It's a toss up.

Veronica said...

(everything has a magical negro in it at the moment)

I noticed that, too. There seems to be a lot of those this season. I was just saying that to the husband the other day! "Look, honey! Another Mystical Black Man!" The one with Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler? And, lessee... Black Snake Moan? I could swear there's another one I saw recently...

Rootietoot said...

My teenage boys were unimpressed, except for the flying body parts, and the rhinocerous.

Chuckie K said...

A review in the big local paper went into considerable detail. Frankly, it sounds kind of fascist. Apparently, the old white people are all corrupt,decadent and disgusting too. so the only heroes are the young lovers of war. The mysticism of death in battle.

R. Mildred said...

A review in the big local paper went into considerable detail. Frankly, it sounds kind of fascist. Apparently, the old white people are all corrupt,decadent and disgusting too. so the only heroes are the young lovers of war. The mysticism of death in battle.

Well the spartans pretty much invented fascism back in ye olden days, if you're getting that vibe off it then it's probably only as bad as the starship troopers movie - the thermopylea thing is about the glory of dying in battle (the actual historical lessons are of course; an army is only as big as its mess tents, and don't start a land war in asia but always finish one) and the glory of the military might that keeps "us" (which in the sense of the greeks basically meant: anyone who was a male land owner) safe from the barbarians at the gate.

It should feel fascist, it should feel like tissue thin pro-war propaganda, because that's what it is.

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