5/25/2007

Putting the "Realist" back in "Surrealist Comedy"

Scene: An unexploded living room in Baghdad.

WIFE is sitting in a chair facing doorway, arms crossed and an angry expression on her face.

*door opens, and in walks HUSBAND, a bit worse for drink*

WIFE: Oh I'm so glad you felt like coming home tonight.

HUSBAND: *looking sheepish* Sorry darling! I had a metric ton of stuff that needed converting into imperial measurements, those wacky americans! *grins trumphantly*

WIFE: A metric ton of BULLSHIT no doubt! You've been out drinking and carousing again! *she gets up and squints suspciously at HUSBAND's face* I'd bet you even quaffed as well, didn't you! Admit it!

HUSBAND: *drawing himself up in mock indignation* I resent the implication! I promised to stop my quaffing ways when I married you darling! *grabs WIFE by the shoulders in an embrace* Please say you believe me, my days of quaff and cavorting with floozies has been over the moment I met you, my love.

WIFE: *shakes HUSBAND away and strides off angrily before turning back to him* FLOOZIES! Why I never! Here I am, working my fingers to the bone, worrying myself sick that you'd been kidnapped or killed by some american street patrol out, and you've been off diddling some air headed secretary behind my back! Admit it!

HUSBAND: *looking put out* Well I never expected this kind of American trained and supported death squad interrogation.

*suddenly 5 men (1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th Death Squaddie) in military uniforms with black face covering hoods over their heads, bursts through the door*

1st DS: Nobody expects an American Trained and Supported Death Squad interrogation! Our chief weapon is surprise!

*3rd DS shoots HUSBAND in the head, killing him*

1st DS: ...And guns. Our TWO mains weapons then, are Surprise!..And guns!

*3rd through 5th DS grab WIFE and proceed to rape her on the floor*

1st DS: ...and rape. Our three main weapons are Suprise! Guns and random acts of brutality and violence (such as rape)!

2nd DS: Don't forget tacit support or at least rampant indiference from the occupational authorities Boss.

1st DS: Uh, YES! So our *counts them off on is fingers* FOUR! Main weapons are... *surveys scene in front room* Oh bugger it, no one's listening to me dammit. *turning to 2nd DS* Tell them when they're done to tie her up and set fire to the place when they're leaving, I'm going out for a smoke.

2nd DS: Sure thing Boss, can do!

*1st DS turns around and leaves*

THE END

3 comments:

sly civilian said...

the title doesn't stand out.

until you read the entry.

i'll be under my desk, drinking bourbon. care for a sip?

R. Mildred said...

I only drink intravenously these days, can't bothered with all that swallowing business.

Trista said...

Great work.